


The Blood Blistering Brew

by WolfAndHound_Archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Friendship, Marauders' Era, Pre-Slash, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-05
Updated: 2016-02-05
Packaged: 2018-05-18 09:41:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5923702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfAndHound_Archivist/pseuds/WolfAndHound_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius is an arrogant berk and Remus is complete pants at Potions</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Blood Blistering Brew

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Lassenia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Wolf and Hound](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Wolf_and_Hound), which was created to make stories posted to the Sirius_Black_and_Remus_Lupin Yahoo! mailing list easier to find. However, even though I still love the fandom, I am no longer active in it and do not have the time to maintain it. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in December 2015. I posted an announcement with Open Doors, but we may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Wolf and Hound collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/wolfandhound/profile).

Remus Lupin came trudging into the Potions classroom at exactly ten past five feeling exhausted and sore and cold. Normally a fastidious sort, Remus was so weary that he couldn't bring himself to care that he was late. The very last thing he wanted to do at that moment was make up the lesson he missed while Professor Pyritus sniggered at how rubbish he was at concocting Potions.

"You're late boy!" Pyritus boomed, his thunderous voice echoing about the dungeons. "Took you that long to stump down here, did it? By Merlin's knee-pit you're well slow!"

Remus bit back a sigh. Pyritus was the sort of unsubtle idiot who enjoyed making tactless comments about those he found inferior to his own loud, rotund, jolly self, which was more or less a one Remus John Lupin. The idea that a quiet, scrawny boy could be a werewolf was a right laugh to Pyritus.

"Sorry Professor," he mumbled, unloading his rucksack.

Pyritus waved his wand about and directions on how to brew an Ebulliency Emulsion appeared on the chalkboard. "Well get to work then boy," Pyritus barked, settling heavily behind his desk. "Let's see how foully you cock up this time!"

Remus grit his teeth and went off to fetch his supplies.

Some fifteen minutes later, Remus was in a right bind; his potion was not the glittering indigo syrup that it was supposed to be but a rather sickly lilac mixture that smelled strongly of owl droppings. Pyritus was guffawing, pounding his desk in mirth. Though Remus was well used to such dramatics, it was incredibly distracting all the same. He reread the directions yet again and still could not find where he'd erred so he had no choice but to continue on to the next step.

Carefully, he shredded his dried medlar skins into thin slices and then dumped them into his cauldron along with a handful of crushed Fwooper eggshells.

"Er - Sir? Nothing's happening."

Pyritus, who was red-faced and hooting, his bulbous eyes streaming, was unable to reply.

So Remus continued grinding his teeth and continued brewing a well botched potion.

XXXX

"If I don't want that D he's given me then I'm to analyze what I brewed instead and write two rolls of parchment on its properties." Remus, still sore and weary, lay half on his bed, half hanging off the edge, too exhausted to even move. "Maybe I might've been able to sort my Ebulliency Emulsion out if Pyritus hadn't been so busy chortling over how much of a rubbish potion-maker I am. He isn't even a Professor really, he's more like a - a - some kind of sniggering spectator at the circus."

No one sympathised with him. Peter might've had they been alone; he had difficulties in Potions every now and again but James and Sirius were present so Peter laughed uproariously with them and pretended that he too was an ace potion-maker.

"You always concoct the best potions, Moony," Sirius declared enviously after he'd caught his breath. "Wish I could just toss loads of things together and have them turn all bollocks and explode; I've got to actually work to make mine botch up."

James nodded empathetically. "I agree mate, it's a right chore. Getting that Furore Fusion to spit like an Antipodean Opaleye took loads of reading up on, remember?"

Remus felt that he wasn't too tired to hex his two best mates for being insensitive pillocks and had to force himself to recite runes instead. It simply wouldn't do for a Prefect to instigate a cursing war in the boy's dormitory or so he told himself.

Peter flung himself beside Remus with all the grace of a rampaging Erumpent and goggled at the flask in his hand. "You're really going to drink that rubbish?"

The mixture had to be bad if the likes of Peter was calling it rubbish. Remus sighed. "I haven't much of a choice have I? I can't afford a D."

James smirked. "Go on then Wormtail - why don't you show us you're a true Gryffindor - give Moony's potion a go."

Peter flushed, as he always did whenever James or Sirius suggested that he was less than a true Gryffindor. "But it looks like yak," he protested, wrinkling his pointed little nose.

"I'll study it myself, thanks." Remus couldn't help but feel slightly bitter because the potion really did look like vomit; the thick, chunky, down-the-pub-getting-pissed sort. "No need for poor Wormtail to come over feeling wonky because of something I've mucked up."

Peter gave him a grateful look. They all knew that had James insisted and mostly likely he would have because he was a prat like that, Peter would have ending up drinking the concoction in seconds.

"Well quit pissing about then and get on with it, Moony," Sirius insisted impatiently. "We want to see what you've managed this time."

Remus slowly sat up, his bones creaking. He was hardly looking forward to this, especially with such an enthusiastic audience.

"Maybe you've somehow prepared that Berserk Mixture Pyritus was oning about last month," James speculated. "And then you'll end up storming the Slytherin corridor and cursing the whole filthy lot of them."

"Which'll go over well, I'm sure," Remus said dryly.

"Maybe you've brewed a Cleverness Concoction and won't need to do revisions at all," Peter suggested hopefully. "And then you can help me with my lessons instead."

"He spends ages helping you anyway," Sirius said scornfully. "Honestly mate, I can't understand how you're so thick all the time."

"Because not everyone is ace at lessons like you lot," Remus said firmly, uncorking his flask. He took a whiff and gagged. "Urgh."

"Smells like yak, does it?" Peter asked quietly, still looking wounded.

Remus smiled at Peter. He disliked the way James and Sirius treated Peter sometimes, like it was his fault that he wasn't as clever as they were. "Smells like prawns which is just as foul, if you ask me."

"Prawns are corking," James declared haughtily. "Moony you naff git, you've got no taste at all."

"Says the bloke who smothers his jaffa cakes with treacle." Remus made a face. "You'll end up with wooden teeth if you keep eating sweets like that."

"Yes, because you don't have a strop on once you've run out of sherbet balls," Sirius retorted, rolling his eyes at James.

"Excuse me but I do not get stroppy if I've no sweets left," Remus declared with great dignity. "And it's certainly nothing like the fits of the sullens you get up to whenever-"

"No one cares how stroppy you can get, Moony," James interrupted impatiently. "We only want to see you drink that rubbish and come round funny!"

"And I'm not ever sullen either," Sirius interjected loudly.

Remus refrained from rolling his eyes at that. Sirius could be extremely sullen when he wasn't the center of attention or when he was bored and no one was pandering to him. "Right then," he said with a lot more determination then he felt. "I'll give this a go."

Peter slid off his bed and fetched the water jug. "You'll be needing this, I expect."

That he most definitely would. The dormitory grew uncharacteristically silent as his three best mates avidly watched him. Remus stared down at the glass flask. It wasn't going to be easy to drink it, especially since Peter had so thoughtfully pointed out its similarities to upchuck. It was the D that eventually did Remus in. He couldn't afford such an abysmal mark, whether what he was about to drink looked like retch or not. Resigned, he plugged his nose, screwed his eyes shut and swallowed down half the flask before belching spectacularly.

James and Sirius and Peter all sniggered but kept silent otherwise.

Remus waited for something to happen. He washed down the horrible, congealing prawn taste with loads of water and waited some more.

Sirius, never one for patience, was predictably the first to speak. "Feeling dodgy yet, mate?"

James was watching him with a sort of intensity he normally saved for the Quidditch pitch. "Any gurlings in your stomach? Head turned about wonky? Limbs feeling heavy?"

"Don't feel a thing." Remus sipped more water. "Dunno how long I'm supposed to wait either. Could be days even; Pyritus gave me a whole week to finish the essay afterall."

"Maybe nothing will happen," Peter suggested. "Maybe you brewed a dud round."

Sirius snorted. "Wouldn't be the first time Moony's done Potions arse over face."

"Yes Padfoot I'm total pants at Potions, which isn't exactly news so you needn't bother taking the mickey." Remus stiffly stood up and winced at the pain in his lower back. "Now as exciting as quaffing down prawn juice has been, I need the loo so I'll trust that you lot won't behave in my absence?"

"Too right you are, mate," Sirius said affectionately.

James smirked. "Shall we check up on you in case you get up to anything improper?"

"Improper like that jumble of shrubbery you call hair?" Remus hastily ducked out of the dormitory before James could jinx him. He could hear Sirius sniggering loudly and James swearing as he headed down the stairs.

Sometimes last month, James and Sirius had taken it into their heads that hexing as many toilets with the Excrement Ejecting curse as they possibly could would be a right riot. The only safe toilets in the castle were the ones in the remote sixth floor bog. It was there, as Remus was washing his hands and idly noting how peaky he still looked, that he first felt something off. In spite of the tap water being very cold, his hands remained warm. Too warm actually. Remus had always been the sort of fellow who had icy hands all year round. In the winter he was forced to wear double pairs of heat-charmed mittens and even slept with the bulky things on. He did not ever have warm hands, lest he was toasting them by the fireplace.

Remus dried his too-warm hands and saw that they had turned a vivid red colour. He pulled up his sleeves only to find that his arms were also brightly flushed. It was an odd sight since he was mostly pale looking. Frowning, he left the loo.

He was halfway back to Gryffindor tower when something else caught his attention; his legs were now sweltering beneath his trousers. He stopped beside a rusty suit of armour that was braying 'God Save The Queen' at the top of its voice and braced himself against the wall. Yanking up one trouser leg, Remus saw more red skin. He pressed hot fingers to his hot calf and his fingerprints left bright white spot that quickly returned red when he removed them. It was as though he was suffering from an extreme fever in his arms and legs.

A group of third year Hufflepuff girls came round the bend. Remus hastily wrenched down his trousers.

"Urg and I thought Slytherins had horrid legs," one of them announced loudly.

"Right disgusting," another agreed, making a face at Remus.

"What's he all red for, that bloke?"

If the urge to douse himself in a cold bath hadn't been so strong, Remus would have taken points from those stupid girls. Instead he marched away with as much dignity as he could manage while flapping his arms about to create some kind of breeze upon his heated skin. By the time he reached the Gryffindor corridor, he was sweating copiously and felt like he was being bathed in the flames of a dragon.

"Goodness, what's happened to you dear boy?" The Fat Lady goggled at him. "You're a sight and then some!"

" _Aegis_ ," he panted, wanting nothing more then to strip himself of his heavy robes and stuffy, coarse clothing.

The painting swung open and Remus scuttled through the circular entrance. He tried to surreptitiously edge his way towards the staircase but a couple of first years were quick to notice him and then everyone in sight was harping on about how he resembled a Red Cap and had he been careless round the poisonous Sola or was it the work of Slytherins that had done him in?

Remus mumbled incoherent assertions that made no sense under his breath and beat a swift retreat up the stairs.

The dormitory was empty save for Sirius who was looking exceedingly bored as he idly bewitched dirty words to appear in gold sparks upon his bed curtains.

"About bloody time, I've only been waiting-" Sirius stopped abruptly as he caught sight of Remus. He began to laugh uproariously. "Moony, mate - you look like a sodding beet!"

"An apt description I'm sure," Remus said vaguely, shucking off his robes and shoes in record time. He tore his tie and vest off, risking strangulation in the process and was so impatient with his shirt that he was unable to unbutton it; instead he yanked at it until the buttons came popping off. He tossed it aside and hopped about as he pulled his socks off. He was half astonished that not only had he ruined one of the few shirts in his possession but that he'd also thrown it onto the floor. Those thoughts though, were soon overshadowed by the fact that he was now shirtless and still roasting.

Sirius sat up, looking alarmed for Remus only ever changed behind his bed curtains. "Oi, what's that you doing?"

"I'm boiling, Padfoot." Remus clumsily unbuckled his belt, whipped his trousers down and kicked them away. He wanted desperately to off his underpants too but he didn't think Sirius would appreciate the sight. James and Sirius were known to walk about shirtless, showing off and things but Remus was not. He was body shy and extremely self-conscious of his werewolf bite.

He grabbed the water jug off the windowsill and drank quickly, sighing as water spilled down his chin and splashed onto his chest. "I'm still too hot," he gasped, thrusting the empty jug aside. He fanned his face with a sweaty hand. "I must be dying, really it's the only explanation. My body has become an inferno. How'm I to study all this when I feel like the inside of a furnace? This is dead horrid. I can hardly think at all. You'll write my dad and mum, tell them Potions did me in won't you?"

"Oh stop being all dramatic," Sirius snapped, finally over gaping at him. "I'll sort you out with an Icy Wind charm if you get into bed; I can't bear to look at that naff rack of ribs any longer. Honestly, it's like looking at a picture of a Thestral."

"Excuse me for abusing your precious eyesight then." Remus sulked as he flung himself onto his bed; Sirius was a stupid berk and his blankets were hot and scratchy. "And anyway you didn't shut up for ages when Bellatrix got you with that teeth rot curse over hols; who was being dramatic then?"

"My teeth were black and tasted like some bloke's todger," Sirius replied hotly. He pointed his wand at Remus' bed and uttered, " _Glacialis Ventus_."

Remus whimpered in relief as ice cold air blasted over his scalding skin in a great rush. He got comfortable, flopping onto his stomach with his feet banging up against the headboard and then looked back at Sirius. "How would you know what some bloke's bits taste like?"

If he didn't know better, he would have sworn that Sirius flushed. "It's an expression you stonking prat," he snapped irritably.

Remus shrugged. "If you like." He began examining his skin critically. "I'm still red but not so much, see?" He waved his arm about, feeling absolutely wonderful. "This is the best thing you've ever done for me."

Sirius' face softened. "Better than becoming Padfoot, even?"

"Second best thing then," Remus amended. He sighed contentedly. "Where'd Prongs and Wormtail disappear off to? I thought they'd wanted to snigger over how utterly crap I look."

"You do look utterly crap, that's true," Sirius agreed. "Prongs has Quidditch practice remember? And of course Wormtail went trotting straight after him, that gormless git."

"Leaving you behind to look after poor Moony and his hideous ribs and bites I s'pose."

"I don't care about your bite, I think it looks ace actually," Sirius said dismissively. "It's only that you look as though you've not had a decent meal in ages, with your front looking all - like that."

"Well you do see how I eat three times a day." Remus felt his stomach go a bit funny; did Sirius really think his terrible bite looked ace? "I can't help it if I'm not as cracking as you shirtless."

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "You reckon I look cracking then, d'you?"

Remus rolled his eyes. As though Sirius' already humongous ego needed more stroking. "It's an expression you stonking prat," he mimicked.

Sirius smiled indulgently. "Of course it is - you're obviously the sort who'd fancies me for my exceptionally clever mind."

"No, I only keep you about because you've always got loads of sweets I can nick off with; it's James' exceptionally clever mind I fancy."

Sirius looked highly affronted. "I'll have you for that one!" He hurled himself onto Remus and mashed his head into the coverlet before yelping. "Cor mate, it's like a bloody tundra in here!"

Remus removed his face from his sheets and rubbed at his nose. "I think it feels brilliant actually. It was horrid before, how hot I was; I feel loads better, ta Padfoot."

"You must've concocted a Feverish Fusion," Sirius said thoughtfully. He felt Remus' forehead with the back of his hand. "You're still hot; definitely feels like a fever to me."

Remus tried not to snigger. "Since when d'you know what a fever feels like?"

Sirius snatched his hand away, scowling. "Fevers feel hot you git, what else is it s'pose to feel like?"

"You tell me, Madam Pomfrey."

Sirius thumped him round the head. "Sod off."

Remus thumped him back. "It's my bed, you sod off."

"I only wanted to make sure you're all right," Sirius said grumpily.

"No you wanted to pitch a fit because I fancy Prongs over you," Remus corrected, hiding a grin.

Sirius growled a very Padfoot-like growl and shifted so that his expensive robes brushed up against Remus' bare leg. "You'll fancy my cleverness and cracking front because I won't have your eyes on anyone else."

Remus suddenly felt hot in a way that had nothing to do with his potion. "And why is that?"

"Because Prongs is too busy chasing after Evans and no one else can handle you." Sirius smirked at him in a way that made his chest tighten.

"And you can I s'pose?"

"Padfoot can handle Moony, yeah." Sirius' face was suddenly very close to his own, his voice going soft and patronizing. "And I can more than handle you, mate."

Remus blinked and tilted his head away. "You know, I don't reckon you can."

Had Remus been thinking clearly, he would have known that that was the wrong thing to say.

A feral sort of grin crossed over Sirius' face. "Is that a challenge?"

"No it's a fact. And-" he quickly went on, "don't give me that chuffed look, Padfoot because this isn't-"

"But I am chuffed," Sirius interrupted smugly. "Because there isn't anything I like better than proving my precious Prefect wrong."

Remus didn't think he liked the way Sirius emphasized 'my' and he certainly didn't like the way that one word made him feel all hot again. "You're talking rubbish," he said in an anxious attempt to bring the conversation back to familiar footing. "Even more so than usual - one would think you'd been the one to drink a dodgy potion."

Sirius gave him a kind of leering look. "I'm not the one who's lounging about nearly naked."

"As though you've never been known to swagger about in your underpants," Remus scoffed, forbidding himself to give Sirius the satisfaction of seeing him embarrassed. "In case you've forgotten, I've got a reason for being undressed whereas you're only a vain berk."

"Make you uncomfortable do I?" Sirius was now whispering in his ear and it tickled horribly. "Wish you were fit like me, is that it?"

"You think a lot of yourself, don't you?" Remus was feeling horribly vulnerable with Sirius fully dressed and laying so near to him. He smacked his hand into Sirius' too-handsome face and shoved it away. "I don't appreciate your fat head in my face either."

Sirius laughed and caught hold of Remus' wrist; his fingers were cold against Remus' flushed skin. "You might if I did something brilliant."

Remus yanked his hand away and sat up, alarmed. The very last thing he wanted to get up to was something Sirius deemed 'brilliant', especially not with him being in this strange mood. "Er - I should probably get down to the library then - study properly what this potion is since I now know-"

"And I s'pose you want me to charm a wind to follow you?" Sirius also sat up, looking prickly. "You won't even get past the common room before you off your robes."

Remus touched his werewolf bite self-consciously. "I wouldn't either. I do have some self-control you know, potion or not."

Sirius eyed his bite and his gaze darkened. Then, rather suddenly really, Remus found himself thrust flat onto his back with Sirius draped over him like a coverlet.

"The sodding thing isn't ugly you daft git," Sirius growled and pressed his mouth, open and wet, full flush against Remus' werewolf bite.

A noise Remus hadn't known he could make escaped his mouth. He absolutely couldn't move because Sirius, his arrogant, reckless, gormless mate was kissing only the most revolting part of him and he literally couldn't breathe either and how was it that he burned more furiously now then he did when fully clothed and without the Icy Wind charm to cool his raw skin? Remus decided that he must be properly delirious because the Sirius he knew would never suck at him, especially not there and he certainly wouldn't run his icy fingers all down his thigh, caressing and such, like Remus was some fit totty that he wanted to shag.

He gurgled out some rubbish that sounded vaguely Siberian and shoved at Sirius, shock giving way to utter panic. Sirius didn't want to shag him did he? He wasn't a ponce was he? Or was this some kind of stupid dare he and James had plotted up?

"All right there, mate?" Sirius shifted and seemed to be all around him; his knees were on either side of Remus' and now he brought his hand round to sweep Remus' jagged fringe away from his eyes.

Remus jerked his head aside. He pressed himself as deep into his mattress as he could so that he wasn't touching Sirius. "No I'm not," he got out, his voice coming out high and panicky. He cleared his throat. "What in Merlin's name are you doing?"

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "You haven't figured it out then? That isn't well done of you at all, Moony. I thought you were cleverer than that."

"What are you on about?" Sirius hadn't removed his hand from his thigh and now it was sliding about at the edge of his underpants, cold and slick. Remus squirmed and swallowed. "Obviously you've been hexed so-"

"I've not been," Sirius snapped and abruptly kissed him.

On the mouth.

Remus yelped and shoved at his impetuous idiot of a mate but the stonking berk wouldn't budge. It wasn't even a kiss, not really, because kisses were supposed to be soft and brief, or at least Remus figured they were. Sirius' mouth was moist and rough and he was pushing himself in past Remus' protesting lips like he wanted desperately to taste what was inside. Remus realised, as much as he could realise anything while his mate of five years had his tongue all down his face, that Sirius was snogging him. That really was the only word for it, wasn't it? And he didn't seem to want to move, Sirius. He settled heavily over Remus, squashing him firmly into the mattress and his hands were holding Remus' too-warm face, his fingertips pressing into gaunt cheekbones.

Remus was now simultaneously scalding and suffocating. Overcoming his sheer astonishment, he yanked his face away so abruptly that Sirius ended up licking his ear. Remus sucked in air, breathless and unable to speak for the moment. Sirius was also panting loudly though he didn't seem to be hacked off that the snogging was over, if the way he was sliding his fingers around Remus' were any indication.

"Have you the lurgy?" Remus demanded, gasping.

"You've just had me all down your face Moony, did I taste like I've taken ill?" Sirius was now whispering against his ear, his deliberately breathy voice sending shivers deep into Remus' stomach.

"I'm not a girl and you oughtn't be snogging me at all!" He tried to knee Sirius someplace painful, which might have been effective had Sirius not been so utterly heavy. "Get off me Sirius, this isn't a lark!"

"No."

That one word floored Remus. He goggled up into amused grey eyes, stunned. It took him a moment to find his voice; a moment which Sirius took to lap at his ear some more. "No? What d'you mean no?" He violently jerked his head away only to find that his face was a hair's breath away from Sirius' because the thick pillock had gone and stolen all of his space.

"I mean no." Sirius tightened his grip around Remus' fingers and moved back a bit so he could peer down at him. "You don't notice d'you, how I look at you? How I've been wanting you for ages now?"

"Er - "

"It's true. Personally I would've thought it bloody obvious but you're being right thick, mate."

"I'm sorry but what's bloody obvious?" Remus was so stressed that he didn't even realise that he'd uttered a swear word. "I have no idea what you're on about!"

"That I fancy you, you gormless git!" A lock of black hair fell from into his eye and brushed lightly against Remus' forehead. "What else d'you think I'm laying on top of you for; trying to get warm?"

"Bollocks," Remus sputtered, shaking his head since Sirius' hair was tickling him. "You're having one on me, I can tell!"

"Like I'd risk having it known that I've been trying to pull a bloke if it wasn't true," Sirius said disdainfully. He moved off of Remus, who let out an enormous sigh of relief and quickly sat up as Sirius slid from his bed. "I'll cast a Befuddling Charm on the door so that anyone wanting to come in bugger off." He gave Remus a very predatory sort of leer and took out his wand. "Best add a Silencing Charm too, what say?"

Remus absolutely couldn't believe what was happening. He attempted to pull his coverlet over his near-naked self but the thing was so stiff and coarse against his raw skin that he quickly discarded it. He wanted more than anything to flee the premises but the very thought of leaving his charmed bed and getting into his stuffy clothing made him want to pitch a fit. Of course so did staying with alone with this...randy pervert of a Sirius Black.

Sirius began unfastening his robe, much to Remus' horror. "Don't gawp at me in that disbelieving way, Moony, I'm not daft. I've only been planning this for ages but I never could get you alone at a proper time and now today, seeing you shucking off all your robes and looking all sweaty and things - honestly, you're dead shaggable, mate."

Shaggable? He, Remus Lupin, dull Prefect and voracious werewolf, shaggable? What a right load of waffle! "I thought I was naff," he muttered, ducking his head so Sirius wouldn't see him turn red like some kind of Hufflepuff ninny. Shaggable indeed. Sirius was talking tosh as usual. He glanced back up, confident that his face was free of tottiness. "Stop that!"

"I'm in good company." Sirius chucked his sweater vest aside and began loosening his tie.

Really, this was the limit. Remus scrambled off his bed, gasping as a wave of scorching heat swept over him. He quickly found his robes and took out his wand, pausing to wipe at the sweat that was dripping from his forehead. "You've been cursed Padfoot," he declared, jumping back into the coolness of his bed. "Don't worry though, I'll sort you out. Finite!"

Sirius rolled his eyes as he pulled off his socks and shoes. "You still on about that are you?" He stalked over to Remus' bed and stood there, shirt open and belt undone, giving him a heated look. "I really do fancy you, all right? This isn't a prank or a dare or a hex or some rubbish like that; no one knows about this, not even Prongs and I'm not thick enough to tell him that his best mate fancies his other mate."

"But how - d'you - you're a ponce then." Saying it aloud was even more appalling and peculiar than knowing it. It was all so inconceivable. Sirius didn't act nancy at all! Well Remus didn't exactly know how nancies acted but he did know that Sirius couldn't be one. How could he, when so many girls were always sighing and getting so dreamy-eyed over him? What would Sirius want him for when he could have any of them lot?

Sirius scowled. "I'm no sodding pillow-biter! I don't ogle loads of blokes either, it's just you."

Sirius ogled him? "But why?"

"You can't help who you fancy," Sirius snapped petulantly. "D'you think I wanted this, to fancy you of all people? It just happened. It's certainly not my fault that you're all - nice looking and kind and patient and things."

Remus was speechless. Putting aside the fact that Sirius thought him nice looking, which was a shock in itself, he could scarcely believe that Sirius liked him for being kind and patient. Those sorts of traits didn't seem to be things Sirius would value - he had always thought them boring, hadn't he?

"What d'you think then, me fancying you?" Sirius slid onto his bed and sat cross-legged before him, his expression dark and solemn and wanting.

"I dunno." Remus nervously toyed with his wand and in his immense anxiety rainbow-coloured sparks came shooting from it. He hastily put it aside. "I never...er...thought about such things."

"You've never taken to any girls," Sirius said quietly though there was a hint of a question in his words.

"Seemed a pointless thing; no one would want to get on with a werewolf so fancying a girl would just have been a waste of time, really."

Sirius shifted closer until their knees touched. "I'm hardly no one and I want to get on with a werewolf."

"This is all highly improper," he said, swallowing thickly. Remus wanted to move away from Sirius but didn't want to hurt his feelings. Curse or no curse, there was no mistaking the sincerity in Sirius' grey eyes.

"Well there's only one way to sort everything out, really," Sirius said, raking back his hair from his eyes. He grinned. "This time you ought to snog me some, see if you like it."

The words took a bit to get out. "I'm not snogging you!"

"You're a Prefect aren't you?" Sirius reached out and rest his hand atop Remus', lightly stroking the overly-warm skin. "And I'm taking liberties right? So therefore isn't it required of you to take disciplinary action?"

"I'll take five points then," Remus replied, shifting awkwardly.

"And where's the fun in that?" Sirius linked their fingers together. "I'm well tired of eyeing you all day, I want to get on with you."

"You're off your trolley," Remus said uneasily. The very idea of him snogging Sirius...well that was just ridiculous wasn't it? He didn't do such things, Prefects didn't do such things...

"Cor Moony, stop being such a bloody fussbudget and snog me senseless!"

"I'm not," he said loudly, sighing in frustration. He had always had hated being called a fussbudget and as such Sirius and James used that to goad him into stupid antics. Much like the current stupid antics that Remus was actually considering, if only to shut Sirius up. Because Sirius never took no for an answer, mostly because no one ever dared say no to him. Sirius smirked, his expression haughty and expectant, as though he could read Remus' thoughts. Remus wanted nothing more than to thump him but he begrudgingly recalled that he was comfortable and not sweating loads because of Sirius.

He sighed again, very noisily and pulled at his fringe. What a bollocks situation this was!

"Are you through agonising then?"

Remus seized hold of Sirius' open shirt before he knew what he was doing and could stop himself. "I'm only doing this so you'll shut it," he warned, feeling like an utter fool.

Sirius opened his mouth, looking thoroughly offended so Remus hastily leaned over and pressed his mouth against griping lips. Sirius made some kind of muffled noise into his mouth and Remus was struck with the horrifying thought that he was somehow smothering him. He pulled away, apprehensive. "Can you not breathe?"

"Why are you talking?" Sirius sounded both aggravated and strangled. "This isn't a bloody lesson!"

Remus felt indignant. Here he was, worried about Sirius while the stupid git was actually telling him off. If that didn't take the biscuit! It was undoubtedly a very shoddy way to treat someone you fancied, wasn't it?

"Hurry up and start snogging me," Sirius snapped. "That first bit hardly counted, it was like being slapped in the face with a ramora."

Now Remus was very indignant. He was no stupid fish, he was a werewolf for Hypermestra's sake! He grabbed Sirius's arrogant though irrefutably handsome face and jammed his mouth over Sirius'. It was then that Remus understood that he had no idea what to do next. When Sirius had snogged him, he'd pushed his tongue into his mouth; did he expect Remus to do the same? Sirius wasn't moving, he seemed to be waiting for Remus to get on with things but the problem was, Remus didn't know how to go about it all. He'd never kissed anyone but his mother and that was only on the cheek. Was he supposed to shift his mouth about or just head straight on with the tongue business?

Tentatively, he parted his lips, reasoning that if Sirius felt like he couldn't breath again, Remus could puff into him a bit. He decided to do things with his tongue because if he moved his mouth about, he'd only end up mashing his nose into Sirius' and that wouldn't be very comfortable. He edged his tongue along Sirius' bottom lip and found that it tasted of something familiar, some sweet perhaps? Remus decided that it didn't matter much, not with Sirius now moaning into his mouth and sliding his tongue insistently against Remus'. Sirius caught hold of his shoulders with icy fingers that felt delicious upon his skin and pulled him close. And then Sirius was slanting his mouth about so that Remus didn't have to initiate it and really their noses brushing against each other wasn't too bad at all.

Sirius was kissing him like he was a bowl of trifle; like he was made up of all things sweet and had to be eaten instantly. It was very odd to have your best mate snog you but if you didn't think about it - and Remus found that he hardly could, what with Sirius stroking him and hungrily eating at his mouth - well then this snogging business was rather nice.

Or perhaps a bit better than nice, if Remus was to be honest with himself.

When Remus pulled away, because with all the sucking and licking there wasn't much room for sharing breaths, he found that his heart was racing painfully and that there were funny things happening in his lower half. Mortified and shame-faced and praying that Sirius didn't know of it, he let go of his mate while gulping in air. He tried to move back but Sirius still had a hold on him and didn't seem to want to let go.

"Well?" Sirius demanded in a breathless voice. He dropped his forehead against Remus' and slung both arms loosely around his neck.

Remus clutched at his coverlet and forced himself to remain still. "Well what?"

"Well d'you like snogging me is what!"

Remus shrugged, which felt odd with Sirius' weight about his shoulders. "I reckon your secret'll be safe with me; I wouldn't wish to brag about such tosh."

"Hang on, what's that?!" Sirius was both outraged and worried before he noticed that Remus was determinedly trying to hold a straight face, his shoulders quivering. "Cheeky git," he complained before nipping at the side of Remus' neck.

Remus gasped in surprise. Sirius began kissing and sucking at his heated skin. A sort of explosion took place in the pit of Remus' stomach. He could scarcely understand it; why should Sirius doing such things to his neck of all places make him come over odd? There was a choked moaning sound and it took Sirius raising his head and grinning arrogantly at him for Remus to understand that he'd been the one to make that humiliating sound.

"You like this," Sirius proclaimed triumphantly.

"I don't," Remus replied quickly, rubbing spit and queer tinglings from his neck.

"We bite at each other loads when we're animals; I don't see how this is any different."

"We're blokes, is how this is different."

Sirius rubbed his cheek against Remus' and whispered, "You snogged me, Moony and you liked it, don't lie."

"Only to shut you up," Remus whispered back, his stomach twisting. Sirius' soft breath tickled his ear once again and made him feel even more lightheaded. "Obviously I've not succeeded."

"D'you really hate this then?" Sirius cupped his cheek. They were so very close to each other; Remus didn't think he'd ever been so close to any person before. He could have counted each one of Sirius' eyelashes if he'd the notion. He could see every speck of grey in his eyes. "I reckon it feels bloody ace. Really, you ought to snog me every day. And you may as well know this Moony, I'll keeping pulling you until you come round. I'm a right persistent bloke."

"Yes I know." With great daring, Remus raised a hand and lay it over the one Sirius had placed round his cheek. Sirius was genuine about him, at least he was until Remus could find a few more revealing spells in case he really had been cursed. "What do you want from me then? Some kind of - of a snogging partner?"

"Or just a partner," Sirius said in a casual voice that was quite obviously artificial.

"Er...I see." But he didn't, not really and so he let his hand drop.

"Anything that goes on would stay between us. I'm not about to let it get round that we're a pair of poofters." Sirius kissed him and Remus knew that it was a kiss because it was short and brief. And strangely enough, sweet. "I know you still reckon I've been cursed or some tosh but it isn't like that; I really do fancy you and have for some time. I want to be able to touch you and snog you whenever I'd like."

"When?" Remus' voice came out hoarse. "When did you start - y'know, liking me and things?"

"When it started going round that that Fruelda Cubberjoss bird fancied you. I'd watch the way she'd watch you all the time and it was enough to make me go spare. Took a bit for me to realise I was dead jealous. I didn't like her eyes on you and I didn't want her to have you. She doesn't know you or your secrets and even if she did, it isn't as though she could do anything and be with you - not like I can." Sirius stroked Remus' cheek. "That's why you're mine."

"Well I appreciate you taking the time to inform me of this." Remus refrained from rolling his eyes but only just barely. Sirius was such a conceited plonker, honestly. "I hadn't relised I was owned."

"Just as much as you own me, mate. You only just didn't know it until now."

Remus supposed there might have been some truth in that.

And then Sirius snogged him again and it was for a very long time and not just on the mouth either.

When Frank Longbottom came stumping into the dormitory some two hours later, Sirius was back on his bed, bored again while Remus, sitting atop freshly charm-scoured sheets, attempted to write his essay on the Blood-Blistering Brew.

Sirius sat up and tore his eyes away from Remus. "Oi, what's that that's happened to your robes then?"

Frank removed his robes, which were now bereft of the right sleeve, and tossed them into his trunk. "Went round to pick up Alice from remedial Potions right."

Everyone understood the implications of that. Alice was one of the only sixth year Gryffindors worse than Remus at Potions.

"She blew up her cauldron again," Sirius said, rolling his eyes.

"Burned my arm right up again too."

"You ought to see Pomfry about that," Remus advised, finally looking up from his parchment. Frank was sporting a very ugly burn all up his arm.

"I've still got that ointment from last time." Frank flung himself onto his bed and huffed a sigh. "The way Alice is so arse at Potions is dead cute; I can't even be fagged that I've ended up with another burn."

"Yes, it is cute isn't it, watching cock-ups in Potions." Sirius ogled Remus in a very smoldering sort of way.

Remus, who noticed at last, smiled and quickly went back to writing...or at least attempting to.


End file.
